Hello you,
This week’s Substack was a hard one to write, which is probably part of why I needed to write it.
I wrote about something I’ve been noticing in myself for a while now: the way I can slip into a version of myself that feels desirable, easy, generous, sexually fluent…while not actually being fully myself.
Anybody else?
I think a lot of us do this in one form or another. We become the version of ourselves that feels least likely to be rejected. We perform. We shapeshift into what we think will keep connection intact. And for me, that has absolutely shown up in erotic spaces.
In the post, I talk about how sexual giving can become a place I hide. How easy it is for me to focus on someone else’s fantasy when my own desire feels messy, tangled, inaccessible, or just too exhausting to sort out. How performing can feel easier than being witnessed.
And the line that really hit me in the chest as I wrote it was this: for a little while, my boyfriend wasn’t having sex with me. He was having sex with my avatar.
Oof.
That’s the heart of the piece. The cost of performative intimacy. The loneliness of being desired for a version of yourself that isn’t fully you. And the cost of that benevolent deception in your relationship. And the truth I’m still learning, which is that intimacy deepens when I stop trying to make myself more digestible and let myself be known instead.
If any of that feels a little too familiar, I think this one will land.
And because this all connects, I want to mention something timely: my Long Distance Lust workshop replay is now available with immediate access, and I’m offering it at 15% off.
Nick joined me for this one, and we talked about how to stay connected, honest, and genuinely turned on when you’re apart. Not just how to sext or keep things spicy, but how to stay real with each other across distance, longing, and all the weird little ways performance can sneak in when touch isn’t available.
If that sounds useful, sexy, or both, you can grab the replay below at 15% off.
Yours in authentic Pleasure,
Ashley
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$44.00 $37.40
Long Distance Lust (replay)
Long distance can make desire feel hot, tender, frustrating, and electric all at once. You miss your person. You miss... Read more |
